Perseverance

Tonight at, at the end of karate class, the instructor asked if anyone knew what the word of the month was. I knew the word was perseverance but didn't want to speak up. Looking around the room, I waited for someone else to raise their hand. One of the students answered and said, "Perseverance". The instructor went on to ask if if anyone knew what the word meant and again I chose not to say anything. In my head I knew what I would say because this is exactly what I was doing.

Since my diagnosis I was fighting the good fight and tonight wasn't any different. I wasn't giving up on myself. I was choosing to continue to fight this damned disease. I was fighting for myself and for my family.

Each night I go into a karate class with enthusiasm and eagerness to learn something new. Tonight wasn't any different. However, I haven't been going to the gym lately so my cardio strength isn't nearly where it should be. The exercises we did tonight put my tachycardia and mitral valve prolapse in a crazy state. I pushed through it like I normally would do and I tried to focus and breath through it. I swore I saw stars at one point and close to seeing black. I kept telling myself that this too shall end soon. Whether it was the end or the exercise would end I wasn't giving up. I could feel my chest beating oddly. I didn't like it but there were kids in this class and the last thing I needed to do is collapse in this class and scare kids not too mention my own kid. So I had to get my breathing together fast. I tried to forget my tachy heart. Finally I hear "STOP!" Crap....It wasn't like 'STOP' you're done, it was 'STOP' do something else. OK, this wasn't good....I was in front on this round of exercises which consisted of shuffling our feet left to right around the room....This one was a little better but my chest and heart was still beating off rhythm. Keep going is all I could think of...keep going...you can do it....You're strong....Is that the light....Look ahead, not at anyone...straight ahead!

FINALLY..."STOP!"

Good lord! I needed to let the instructor know about my tachycardia and mitral valve prolapse. I wasn't feeling well so I had to say something....I knew I pushed myself too hard. That's me...I can do it. Like the little engine that could. Why not right? What do I have to loose? Oh, yea, my life!

The instructor was understanding, or seemed to be. Either way I had to drink water and cough my self silly. Rest of the night was a piece of cake (sort of) in comparison to the first half of class.

It's never a good thing when over exertion scares you. Cardio is supposed to be good for your heart. That's why it's called heart healthy versus heart attack or stroke.

So, what I actually learned from this is it's OK to not give up in yourself but to push yourself to the point of no return...well, that's just insane. I still feel off balance right now and I've been home for an hour. I'll continue to push myself and never give up on myself but there has to be a limit.

It's OK to take it slow or to stop for a bit and breath. Breathing is good. Gosh, I tell this to the people in my support group. I would never recommend this behavior to anyone so I don't know why I think this is good for myself. I must be insane to push myself like this. I know I'll pay for it tomorrow. I can't even run on a normal basis because of the tachy and prolapse issue not to mention other lupus related issues. Sometimes I think my brain took a major vacation.

I tell people to be kind to their bodies and to themselves then I batter myself. Good advice. LMBO. Calling all morons. "Hello, did you say my name? "